“Love”... I don’t often talk about this stuff. And maybe because I do wonder sometimes if that even exists or if I am capable of it.
When I was a young girl I didn’t fancy fairy tales. Our family would watch movies on a weekend and it goes from different genres. Action, thriller, sci-fi and romantic movies. And whenever it’s some romantic stuff I always murmur the word “Eww”. Don’t get me wrong I do enjoy some films like that though. Titanic and Tuck Everlasting, and both have the same ending. The couples didn’t end up together. Jack dies from hypothermia and Winnie didn’t drink the water from the spring and so after a long year Angus and her didn’t reconcile. I’ve seen my three sisters going into some romantic relationship because they think they are in love then seeing them in a very bad state when those relationships ended. Even my friends back in high school go on the same stuff and I was quite different as I never really liked anyone the way they explained how it felt. I even remember one of my closest friends when she went over to our home crying because her boyfriend dumped her and I told her “Don’t be so silly crying over that and don’t you dare cry at the school and let everyone see it”. Remembering that now made me feel that I wasn’t a very good friend back then. While growing up somehow the idea that most relationships are doomed to fail got stuck in my head and I’ve come to terms that that’s the norm.
Fast forward to my early 20s. Whenever someone asked me about my favorite movies I would say a line-up of indie films. From 500 Days of Summer, Blue Valentine, Celeste and Jesse Forever and the list goes on. And they all have something in common… the characters didn’t end up happily ever after. My reaction to rom-coms as “Eww” turns into “Those are fake and not very realistic!”. Whenever my sisters talk about love or any kind of that stuff I always reply with “Sooo cheesy!” or “Eww corny!”. When my sister Nessa asked me to make a speech for her wedding, I replied jokingly that I’ll tell everyone how they argue and not to believe what they’re posting on social media. So the wedding day came and the emcee called me to go to the front. I’ve begun my speech saying that I don’t think I’m the right person to speak in weddings as I don’t know anything much about love and I’m not so sure about happy endings (cringey I know). Out of my curiosity for romantic relationships I’d decided to be in one. My family asked me if I ever can imagine a future with that guy and I told them that it’s too early to think of that. In my head I can’t really seem to picture a life with that person all I know is that it seems fun in the present but the talk of settling down and all that never came to mind. And like a slap in the face kind of indie film, that relationship didn’t work. I would say that I was able to bounce back because I’ve already known that, I’ve prepared myself for that by not expecting much from it. I was just a woman trying to learn, I said to myself. And I did learn a lot. Unfortunately one of them was not to be so vulnerable so you won’t feel like a loser just in case some bad stuff happens. I’ve always expected the worst in terms of relationships and I didn’t know that it could keep me away from experiencing a real one.
Now in my mid 20s. I’m happy to say that I’m currently in a loving relationship. He’s such a great guy. When we started dating I would often say “It’s too good to be true” as a response to my friends questions. As months went on we became more and more closer. I once opened up to my sister about the stuff in the new relationship I am in. And she asked “So what’s your plan moving forward?” and I felt bad because I have no answer for it. Then she gave me a long talk about a real proper adult relationship. I’m happy and things are easy. It is great all in all. And I know to myself that this is the right person and relationship for me. We are on the same boat of wanting more than what we have in the present, we talk about settling down, the future and those sorts of stuff. I am so deeply in love that I feel like I’m going to explode with such strong feelings and there’ll be hearts scattered all over (it’s cheesy but I think that’s the best way to explain it). The closer I get to him the more my mind freaked out and started questioning each and everything. After our calls, I would always open and search on google incognito (I’m too embarrassed to see what’s on my browser history) about random questions. And I guess I do that to make sure that everything between us is on the right track. I put a lot of time and effort going through some random articles almost everyday. When I’m alone with my thoughts I do ask myself “Am I really in love?” “Does he really love me?” “What if we grow apart?” “Am I better off as a single?” “What if his previous relationships were better than what we have?” “What if he finds someone else?” and so on. I even asked my sisters if they ever thought that the relationship they’re in won’t work and they said that never came to mind. Whenever my boyfriend and I talk, I feel the urge to bring up our relationship just to check it or whatever. I get to the point where I feel extreme annoyance and I feel like distancing myself from him. The next day I was completely taken over on how angry I was inside and that the questions in my head might be real. Like a habit I did rely on searching articles again. Until I came with the word “obsessive thoughts” then “OCD” and ended up on “Relationship OCD”. I realized that I might have it but I’m not pretty sure about that though I can relate to what others are experiencing. Or it might not be ROCD, maybe I’m just really too scared to be vulnerable and set my future with another person, maybe I’ve gotten used to always expecting the worst, maybe I’m not so brave to love someone completely. I don’t know. I felt embarrassed and thought that “Am I really that insecure?” having some kind of issue isn’t very cool. I was also confused that maybe all those thoughts are just keeping me away from a bad relationship and that I should consider it as a gift. I know for sure that my obsessive questioning can hurt the relationship I am in. I do know as well that I want to make everything work. I’m working on being less cynical. The f*cking truth here is I’m experiencing something that is completely unknown to me which is loving and being loved, yet I’m just a human who has a bit of an issue.
P.S. I don’t know if this blog post shows my pessimistic or sappy self.
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Credits to the surreal collage artist
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